Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
false alarm. still invincible.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
