My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
