Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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