Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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