I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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