I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
