I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I would fuck him just for his dog
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