Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
