My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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