Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
