its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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