Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
