If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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