made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
