yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
