this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You took a bar mat shot.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
