Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
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Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
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So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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