Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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