Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
