I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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