Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
