so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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