Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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