My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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