Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
i believe in u and ur pee
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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