You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
