my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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