My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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