does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
