I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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