I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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