I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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