I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
