so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
