How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
