Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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