Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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