I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
