I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
