this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
being pregnant is like rehab
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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