Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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