Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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