I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
