Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
