Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
