dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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