You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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