I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
