NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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