dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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