The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
