oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
