he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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