I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
