i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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