Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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