this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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