Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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