OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
